Beautiful one day, perrrr-fect the next

Queensland Pastafarians were this week struck by the chilling discussion of laws criminalising piracy.

This fearful subject entered polite conversation with the announcement that the Queensland Government planned to amend laws condemning our piratical brethren to life in prison.

Now arguably life in prison is better than being hanged from the accursed yard arm, but any talk of the law rounding on a ship of true pirates is sure to send the blood coursing.

However the hands were tightening prematurely on the cutlasses, for the government was actually announcing it planned to remove certain references to piracy and duelling from the statute books.

In a blow for religious freedom, the Queensland Government yesterday introduced in parliament amendments to Chapter 11 of the Criminal Code, governing piracy.

Lest there be a mighty backlash from the Navy, the government portrayed these changes as 'modernising' the laws, for example by removing references to 'British subjects' and 'Her Majesty's enemies' (although admittedly, these two groups are often one and the same).

This means our community north of the border may soon be safer from prosecution, for piracy if not for other offences.

Harrrrd labour
Up until now, these laws must surely have had the effect of suppressing the growth of our flavoursome faith.

Who can say how many Pastafarians north of the border stayed below decks, reluctant to don the sacred piratical regalia and venture out in public to teach the creamy goodness of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Surely it is only the visibility of our gatherings that has prevented our entire congregation from being quietly arrested for our efforts on Talk Like a Pirate Day?

For the fact remains that, notwithstanding this week's discussion, these discriminatory laws are still in place -- criminalising many aspects of the pirate life, and even 'aiding pirates', something our nearest and dearest often do.

At present anyone who "conspires or corresponds with a pirate; is also deemed to be a pirate". (If you are in Queensland, leave a comment here at your peril.)

Anyone who "brings a seducing message from a pirate... is guilty of a crime".

Now if that doesn't sound like a description of a Pastafarian in full pirate regalia holding forth on the beauty of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, well, curse me timbers, I don't know what does.

(And I leave you to speculate on what that most cruel law means for seductive messages sent between Pirates and Lady Pirates in the privacy of their own cabins.)

Even worse, anyone who tries to convince a captain or sailor that they should become a Pastafarian, dress in pirate regalia and teach the noodly origin of the universe, is guilty of a crime.

That is, anyone who "consults or conspires with, or attempts to corrupt, any master or officer of a ship or any sailor, with intent that the person should run away with or yield up any ship, goods, or merchandise, or turn pirate, or go over to pirates".

Anyone convicted of these 'heinous' offences still faces a sentence of life in prison.

Oh glorious day?
If these amendments are passed, these references will be removed from the new chapter of the criminal code dealing with piracy.

Piracy on board a ship will still be a crime, but Queenslanders will no longer be persecuted for the simple fact of being a pirate, or carrying a pirate's 'seductive messages' or helping them out.

At Durum Cathedral, we are beseeching the Flying Spaghetti Monster to reach His noodly appendages down and nudge all members of Queensland parliament to vote in favour of the changes.

Until that glorious day, we are keeping our eye patches and spotted scarves discreetly at home.

Besides, doesn't every religion like to dress up and do strange things behind closed doors?

RAmen

[Photo of Mission Beach, courtesy of Tourism Queensland. Start digging, me hearties!]

Is it the size of the prize that counts?

RAmen fellow followers of the Noodly One

Pastor Len's theological foray has tested my faith in no uncertain terms. I have been reflecting, with the aid of a nice drop of chianti, on what could account for the continuing rise in global temparatures while at the same time more and more people are becoming pirates.

One suggestion I'd like to make, is that pirating one piddly TV show might give you a slight piratical air, but it is too small an effort to really make an impact on the climate of an entire planet. No, what you need to do to truly earn your jollies Roger, is to take every pirate's favourite bit o booty - a ship.

Alas, as it is sad to learn that the Brethren of the Coast are slacking off across the globe. Only 239 ships attacked n 2006, compared to 329 in 2004 - the prospects for the planet look bleak. The only thing we can perhaps hope for is a grand nautical feedback loop, without resorting too far towards rationality (yarr, what's the point of having a religion if you have to use that?):

Less pirates = increased global warming

Increased global warming = higher sea levels

More sea = more pirates?

More pirates = cooler planet

We could be heading back to the glory days of the 17th Century me hearties, at this rate we'll all be in boats in a few years, and them of us that have studied the arts of piracy will be able to do our bit to bring on the next ice age.

Also any other pirates out there can relax for yet another reason - at least Bill Gates has stopped trying to ruin all your fun as well.

RAmen and pass the grissini.

Pirate theology: Join the discussion

As you know, much of my day is divided between pastoral care among the ever-growing congreg-ation of Australian Pastafarians -- and theological reflection.

And make no mistake: there are some pressing theological questions we face, particularly for such a young (and flavoursome) faith.

Is dried pasta of equal spiritual worth as fresh pasta? What does the Flying Spaghetti Monster really think of gnocchi? And what are we to make of the gluten intolerant in our midst?

But these past weeks I have been much perplexed, and I am turning to you, the Australian Pastafarian community, for some suggestions.

As you know, we have irrefutable evidence that the decline in pirate numbers since the 1800s is to blame for global climate change. (You nay-sayers -- and inconceivably there are still some left -- can find all the evidence you need here.) Seen from this perspective, it becomes a sacred duty for Pastafarians to dress up as pirrrates, spreading the word about the FSM and saving the planet at the one time.

But, theologically speaking, this is a more complex issue than it appears, and I have been studying it closely.

Last month the venerable Sydney Morning Herald published a headline that made my heart jump (a sentence I would not often write). It read: "TV program delays 'turning viewers into pirates'."

It seemed the problem of global warming was solved! Television networks were delaying the broadcast of programs already seen overseas, forcing Australians to download them illegally from the Internet.

Technology lawyer and researcher Alex Malik said these "huge delays" were "turning Australians into pirates".

Could it really be true that we were becoming a nation of pirates? Could the FSM be nudging TV stations in this direction, all for the good of the planet? Was this the first good thing a commercial television station had ever done?

But here is the question I think we need to discuss fully among our creamy congregation: Can software pirates really be considered 'pirates', as we know them in the tenets of the Pastafarian faith?

Or are they perhaps a lesser group of pirates, having a small but still positive impact on global temperatures?

Or -- and I have not discounted this possibility altogether -- are they not 'true' pirates at all?

Please leave a comment and tell us what you think.

In the meantime, have no fear sisters and brothers, I continue to dress in full, traditional pirate garb. And you won't find me looking for The O.C. on the Internet. Harrrr that be neverrr the case.

RAmen